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Kamis, 08 Januari 2015,18.18{ A Letter for you }

Kak Aldi
Aku tau kakak sedang berusaha buat melangkah dari aku
Aku nggak akan menghalangi kakak
Aku tau aku bukan orang yang kakak cari
Aku bukan orang yang pantas untuk dijadikan "satu untuk seumur hidup"
Aku berusaha buat ngerti dan menghargai pilihan kakak.
Tapi aku nggak mau ngebiarin ini semua selesai gitu aja tanpa ada yang disampaikan
Sehingga kita tidak harus jadi orang asing
Sehingga kita masih bisa saling sapa disaat berjumpa

Terima kasih kak, buat semuanya
Aku bakalan ingat kakak sebagai orang yang pernah jadi bagian dari aku
Pernah jadi penyemangatku
Pernah jadi orang yang selalu aku tunggu
Aku akan ingat semua cerita tentang kakak sebagai kenangan yang baik

Kakak
Mungkin memang masa kita sudah habis
Jalan kita tidak lagi bersinggungan
Setelah ini kita nggak lagi berjalan sama-sama
Kita bakalan kembali ke jalan kita masing-masing
Berjuang masing-masing

Ada jutaan hal yang ingin aku katakan, kak
Tapi satu yang terpenting
Semoga sukses selalu
Semoga kakak bertemu dengan perempuan yang sesuai dengan yang kakak cari
Amin.

Sampai jumpa kak, suatu hari.

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,18.17{ How does it feel for being 18? }

7 bulan jalanin pendidikan di Sekolah Polisi Negara Purwokerto. Selama itu juga jauh dari keluarga. Jauh dari pergaulan sama temen-temen, jauh dari peradaban. Disana dibekali macem-macem, dilatih fisiknya, dilatih mentalnya buat jadi polwan yang baik. Berat banget rasanya nahan kangen sama keluarga, nahan keinginan pengen pulang, nahan capek gara-gara latihan fisik yang nggak sudah-sudah. Alhamdulillah semuanya sekarang udah selesai. Dapat cuti 12 hari. Lumayan buat refreshing.

Cepet, nggak kerasa. Rasanya baru kemarin sore wara-wiri Magelang-Semarang buat ikutan seleksi pendaftaran polisi itu. Rasanya baru kemarin pengumuman diterima, berangkat ke Purwokerto dianter bis dari Polda. Hari pertama nggak doyan makan, malemnya demam. Kangen keluarga, kangen semuanya. nggak rela ninggalin kehidupan lama buat dikurung disana. Awalnya ngerasa gitu. Lama-lama betah, punya banyak temen baru, mulai doyan makan, mulai kuat lari, mulai sadar kalau disana itu bukan "dikurung" tapi "disiapkan". Baru sadar kalau disana itu buat masa depanku sendiri. Buat bikin bangga orang tua. Biar nggak membebani mereka lagi. Bersyukur sama Allah atas itu.

Banyak momen di tahun ini yang kulewatin di dalam lemdik. Bulan Ramadhan full disana. Bayangin aja yang biasanya tiap sahur sama keluarga, buka puasa bareng-bareng keluarga, tahun ini enggak. Kalau inget keluarga kemarin, rasanya gampang banget buat netesian airmata.

Lebaran alhamdulillah dapat cuti. 9 hari boleh pulang ke rumah. Tapi tahun ini nggak  mudik ke tempat umeh (nenek) di Palembang. Nggak dapet ijin. Soalnya masih pendidikan. Nggak boleh ninggalin wilayah Polda. Yaudah. Lebaran tahun ini di Magelang aja. Sepi.

Ulangtahun ke 18, Oktober kemarin, terlewat gitu aja di lemdik. Tapi bersyukur juga sih, ulangtahun di masa sulit kayak gitu rasanya malah lebih bisa memaknai sendiri. Harus nyadar sendiri kalau usia 18 itu harus bisa lebih dewasa. Apalagi sekarang statusnya udah bukan pelajar lagi. Udah bukan anak-anak lagi. Udah jadi polisi. Udah kerja. Udah dipanggil "ibu" dimana-mana. Udah dianggap jadi Pelindung, Pengayom, Pelayan di Masyarakat. Udah jadi panutan. Jadi sekarang harus mandiri, dewasa, dan bisa atasin apapun sendiri.

Upacara pelantikan Desember kemarin jadi hadiah terbesar buatku tahun ini. Disana ditonton dan dijemput sama Mama, Bapak, Adek dan Cicik. Terharu banget rasanya. Bersyukur se-bersyukur-bersyukurnya. Itulah.

Sekarang harus komit sama diri sendiri. Sekarang udah gede, nggak boleh galau lagi. Udah jadi polwan, nggak boleh manja-manja lagi. Okay? Good.

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Senin, 12 Mei 2014,16.42{ {hug} }

"Sini kakak peluk dulu, besok mau ke Semarang kan? Pasti kakak bakalan kangen banget."
"Eleh cuman tiga hari ini. Paling lama juga seminggu."
"Tetep aja, i will surely miss you"

That was the last conversation we had before i left for Semarang. I thought i would make it for three days. Or a week at max. I never thought that the fact would be this long. You were right, I'm obviously missing you. I wish we had a longer hug at the time. I wish we took some selfies before i leave, so that i can look at our pictures when i miss you the most just like this time. I really really wish we did. Now nothing i can do unless just be patient and wait for the time when I'm allowed to go home.

I miss you, dear. I hope i'll see you soon.

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Rabu, 23 April 2014,09.41{ An apology }

Kakak. Kenal kamu itu suatu anugrah. Bukan karena seragam coklatmu yang mengkilat dan membuat semua orang menghentikan kegiatannya sebentar cuma buat melihat kamu. Bukan karena langkah tegap dan gagahmu yang berima. Bukan karena baret dan talikur yang menunjukkan wibawa. Tapi karena kamu, dan ketulusan hati kamu, Kak.

Kakak ingat kan, gimana pertama kalinya kita ketemu? Hari itu, jam 12, kakak liat aku lagi duduk di teras depan rumahku dengan keadaan yang serba... yah, buluk. Belum mandi, muka kusam belum cuci muka, mata masih belekan, rambut belum disisir, kaus longgar dan celana pendek. I let you saw the very worst side of me.

Di samping semua itu, kakak bisa buat aku merasa dihargai. Merasa diinginkan. Buat aku merasa nyaman. Makasih kak, udah buat aku merasa cukup. Buat aku merasa nggak ingin siapapun lagi selain kakak.

I love you, Kak. There, i said it.

Mungkin waktu kita buat sama-sama memang nggak banyak. Satu hari dalam seminggu, pasti nggak mudah buat kakak buat bagi waktu untuk keluarga, untuk keperluan kakak sendiri, dan waktu kakak untuk aku. Aku ngerti itu kok, kak. Well, aku ‘cuman’ ngerti. Tapi nggak nyoba buat bekerjasama. Mungkin aku memang belum begitu memahami kakak. Belum begitu paham betapa pentingnya waktu buat kakak. Maaf buat satu hari yang sia-sia kemarin, kak. Maaf udah batalin janji. Aku tau aku udah kecewain kakak berkali-kali hari itu. Kalau aja bisa mutar balik waktu, aku nggak akan bikin kakak se-kecewa itu.


Please stay, kak. I need you :(

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Selasa, 28 Januari 2014,01.55{ The wounds will be healed }

Speaking of love.
There will be others coming.
It will surely be like this.
Even if it hurts now,
as time passes,
the wounds will be healed...

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Minggu, 12 Januari 2014,08.04{ Who knows? }

Ini beneran lagi musim galau buat anak-anak kelas 12 soal jurusan. Bingung buat nentuin jurusan mana yang sesuai dengan minat dan kemampuan. Tapi udah banyak banget website-website diluar sana yang ngasih solusi, tips-tips dan strategi biar nggak bingung lagi nentuin pilihan. Tapi tetep aja lah ya, galau itu nggak bisa dihindari.  Apalagi buat anak galau macem aku.
Pilihan pertama aku milih jurusan  yang emang udah jadi sasaran aku sejak pertama kali masuk IPS kelas 11 kemarin. Mantep? Hatinya sih mantep. Ijin dari orangtua juga udah dapet. Doakan aja ya, semoga aku lolos. Ayok diaminin bersama. Aamiin...

And there come people questioning, “Pilihan jurusan udah mantep. Emang apa lagi Ren yang kamu galauin?”
Well, sebenernya, instead of going to college, aku punya impian yang bener-bener pengen aku kejar; jadi pramugari. Pramugari itu profesi yang udah aku kagumi sejak lama. Bayangin aja gimana asiknya sehari-hari kerjaannya jalan-jalan ke banyak tempat, gratis, bahkan digaji banyak. Nginep di hotel mewah. Ketemu orang-orang baru setiap hari, kerja dengan orang-orang yang beda tiap hari. And the most important is: i can fly even without wings. I really dont know how to describe, how wonderfull it would be, saat langit itu jadi rumah kedua aku. Karena langit bener-bener keliatan indah dari atas sana.
Ngejar itu semua bukan mudah. Aku sadar sih, dengan postur badan aku dan kesehatan fisikku yang lemah kayak gini, buat jadi pramugari kayaknya lumayan ketinggian ya, hahaha. Orangtuaku aja pernah bilang, “Berat badan udah nggak memenuhi syarat. Belum lagi kamu mudah sakit gini Ren, nggak cocok kalau mau jadi pramugari.”
Pertama rasanya sakit hati dibilang kayak gitu. Aku butuh dukungan, but all they do is just bring me down. Tapi setelah dipikir-pikir, apa yang mereka bilang itu nggak salah. Jadi pramugari nggak cuman butuh cantik, nggak cuman speaking skill, tapi disamping itu masih banyak banget syarat-syarat yang belum mampu aku penuhi.
Jadi buat sekarang, aku baru bisa liat langit dari dinding kamar, dari balkon, dari jendela lantai tiga Gedung Induk. They’re still beautiful. Wondering when i will be there to enjoy the view from the top. To ensure your safety in your flight. To make you feel comfort. Who knows?


Who knows that someday we may see each other up there, you will be my passenger, and i will be your flight attendant. One request, dont forget to greet me when we're there.

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Senin, 09 Desember 2013,07.35{ Cycle }

You liked her
She didn't like you
You did many efforts
You prayed
You wait for her patiently

She finally fell for you
You two got together
You two loved each other
You had a good relationship
Thought it was going to last long

One day she did wrong
She made you hurt
She didn't apology
She left
She went away

You were hurt
You were broken
You couldn't do anything more
And you were just, there
Sat on your chair in silence

Your heart cried
For something you never thought before
She might be the cutest girl for you
But you finally realized
Cute face didn't mean cute personality

Then i meet you
Guess i like you
Will you like me too?
Will you finally fall for me,
And be mine?

Or do all the things she did to you?
And hurt me
And left me
And will i regret every single time
When i'm with you?

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Jumat, 01 November 2013,05.48{ 1 November 2013 }


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Senin, 23 September 2013,21.35{ Been questioning }

"Why do the people silent when i want them to speak up? Why do the people talk and spread things when i want them to shut the fuck up? And why do i always forgive? Is it because i care too much?"

-
Renita Rismayanti

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Kamis, 27 Juni 2013,04.15{ What are these shits }

Been suffering a very bad heartbreak this month. Don't know why all of my memories about someone keep coming and haunting me like hell. Sadly, i just can't stop. it was on its top when we were on our vacation to Bali. We were on the same bus and, you know, feels like hell to watch him pretending that there's really nothing happen between us in the past. Well nothing seems wrong but, deep inside i want the old him back. Which is: kinda impossible.

I talked to him, just some simple conversation about how he has been doing lately. He's completely fine with all of his daily business, his preparation for a competition in province, and yeah, new friends. New habits. New girl (maybe). It made me just feel sooo different with his way of life which runs that awesome. Just compare to my way of life which goes like a disaster. I could see some other boys but i can never move the fuck on.

And yeah, on that five-days-vacation, we visited beaches, shops, saw many good-looking visitors, but terrifically i enjoy nothing but the bitterness of our ruined-relationship right then. I took a picture of us at Dreamland Highway. Feels like heaven to see how sweet his smile on that picture. I captured a very sweet smile. But it means nothing.

It was always him. Regretting the past never change anything. He left, that's just all i got.

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Selasa, 14 Mei 2013,22.26{ Stupid writing }

Regret always comes late, rite? Ignoring how bitchy i was on the past, no matter what i've ever had a crush on him. I even wrote his name on this blog like-a century ago, now i write his name like, everywhere when i got a chance to write. 

So, is that you, Karma? You really come, eh?

I really have to swallow my pride and do apologize, but i don't think i have a second chance. I ruined it. I slapped his face with a plate, he forgave. But then when i got my second chance i leave someone with bunches of cares for me with a stinky jerk who doesn't really worth of anything.

Like i said on my entry before, anyone deserve to get a second chance, but not the third one. Then, Karma, wish you're happy. :)

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Selasa, 19 Februari 2013,02.57{ We're suppose to be happy }

"Aku sampai membodohi diri sendiri. Begitu banyak orang yang sayang sama aku tapi kenapa aku membiarkan diriku sendiri memusingkan satu orang yang menyakitiku."
Mami Hesty.

I know how it feels, mem. I just know. Rasanya kayak pengen makan orang kan? Padahal rasa sayang orang-orang di sekitar kita itu jauh lebih worth dibandingkan satu orang yang menyakiti perasaan kita itu. Kenapa ya mem kita ngga pernah merasa cukup? Bukankah kita itu orang yang spesial di mata sebagian orang? Buktinya mereka mau melakukan apa saja untuk buat kita senang. Seharusnya kita senang ya mem? But, why...

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Senin, 18 Februari 2013,06.03{ Can i trust you? }

Have you already sober since the last time we talked? Have you find and understand why did i said such words? I'm quite sure you are. Cause i've already think too much whether you were really yourself. Are you really you who i thought were a very ubdoubtful person? Are you really you who i thought were always mean everything you said? Are you really you who didn't easily get mad by my childish character and stuffs? Tell me now, are you really you? Cause i know, people change, and i hope you don't. You told me once that i have to trust you. You don't want me to misunderstand each other and get to the wrong intrepretation. So i am now. I would like to trust you no matter what. Even though it's hard to face the reality where i have to maintain between where my heart goes and what my mind tells me. I do really have to trust you, don't i? So please. Would you please be the man who can be trusted?

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Rabu, 30 Januari 2013,11.05{ Teach me how to... }

Kamu tanya gimana yang aku rasain. Sesulit itu aku jelasin ke kamu tapi apa kamu bener-bener ngerti? Kamu sendiri tau kalau ini sama sekali nggak nyaman. Tapi apa kamu peduli? Apa kamu berusaha buat bantu? Aku nggak pernah sekalipun nyalahin kamu tapi berkali-kali kamu minta maaf. Tapi apa kamu bener-bener menyesal dan tau dimana salahmu? Aku nggak minta itu, Kak. Ajarin aku gimana caranya buat nggak kepikiran. Ajarin aku gimana caranya biar nggak terus-terusan musingin ini. Soalnya aku tau, kamu sama aku itu beda.

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Selasa, 08 Januari 2013,06.15{ How dumb }

I've been missing you so freaking bad lately. But why did i go away from you when we really have our time for two. Why did i go early when you really spare your time for me. Why did i ask you to leave when you said you want some more moments with me. Why did i do those things while everyday i always wish for your call. Hoping for chances. But now, i realize that i'm completely stupid to let them go, the chance that finally came. Stupid. Even i acted like i don't like you and keep pretending like there's never happening some things between me and you. But i were never succeed to take my eyes off of you. And it's burning deep down here when i saw you touch another girl's hand. Could you feel my anger? Of course not. Right, you have a weak sense. And i'm still wondering why did i let you leave me.

Regretting things? Like it's always been my dinner since you treat me like that. Regret how foolish i could be to waste such a gold chance. So now i really have to swallow this 'dinner' dish tonight. How yum!

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Kamis, 03 Januari 2013,09.39{ Overthrilled }

Sekarang baru terasa dampaknya kalau ngelakuin sesuatu ngga pake mikir dulu. Baru kerasa akibatnya kalau nerima sesuatu ngga pake logika. Kayak gini jadinya kalau nganggep remeh semua hal. Terlalu dibawa easy, terlalu dikesampingin, terlalu ngerasa sok hebat padahal ujung-ujungnya ngeluh juga. Sekarang baru sadar setelah udah hampir kehabisan waktu. Belingsatan ngelakuin ini itu sambil ngeluh ngeluh, nyalahin orang lain padahal diri sendiri yang bego. Semuanya numpuk ngga karuan. Sehari full pun masih belum cukup buat nyelesaiin ini itu. Badan udah capek mata udah tinggal lima watt kedip kedip mau merem, tapi dibuat istirahat malah ngga tenang. Dibawa tidur malah ngerasa ngga afdol gara-gara belum ngeberesin stuffs. Ngapa-ngapain selalu overthrilled sama stuffs yang unreachable itu. Ya itu, kayak gitu dampaknya. Rasain noh. Sukurin. Nikmatin tu. Emang enak being overthrilled?

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Sabtu, 29 Desember 2012,10.59{ Breathe - Taylor Swift }

I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people
And sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm mmm mmmmmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm

Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie
It's the kind of ending you don't really want to see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you, but I have to
Breathe without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand
And I can't breathe without you, but I have to
Breathe without you, but I have to

It's 2AM
Feel like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's 2AM
Feel like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
Oh
I can't breathe without you, but I have to
Breathe without you, but I have to
Breathe without you, but I have to

Ohh
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...

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Jumat, 28 Desember 2012,10.18{ We're heading on }


Hari ini udah tanggal 29 Desember. Artinya udah makin deket sama 2013. Udah mau ninggalin 2012. Terus kenapa? Apa bedanya? Bukannya semuanya sama aja? Wajar-wajar aja seperti biasanya? Udah lima belas kali dari aku lahir ngadepin yang namanya tahun baruan. Tapi tetep aja buat kali ini, aku nggak mau cepet-cepet tahun baruan. Emang nggak masuk akal kalau aku bilang nggak siap. Nggak siap buat ngadepin dua hari kedepan yang aku nggak tau bakalan jadi gimana. Ya emang sih, waktu nggak akan berenti juga cuman gara-gara aku nggak siap. Nggak masuk akal emang akunya.

Tahun ini emang bukan bener-bener tahunku. Nggak ada yang spesial memang, sama aja kayak tahun-tahun sebelumnya. Cuman rasanya cepet aja. Kayaknya malah aku ngerasainnya tahun ini yang paling cepet lewatnya. Nggak tau juga kenapa. Tapi kata orang kalau kita enjoy ngejalaninnya emang bakalan terasa cepet. Enjoy? Nggak selalu. Ya tetep aja, ada susah ada seneng, kadang galau kadang juga girang minta ampun. Soalnya kebahagiaan nggak akan selamanya, gitu juga kesedihan. Cuman, ada sih satu hal di tahun ini yang bikin aku susah move on dari 2012. Iya, apalagi kalau bukan kamu.

Kamu orang pertama yang aku liat, yang aku temuin, yang aku ajak ngobrol setahun yang lalu, waktu pergantian tahun, 1 Januari 2012. Mestinya kamu inget. Waktu itu udah sepi, udah gelap, kembang api udah dinyalain semua sampai habis. Nggak ada hujan. Kamu dateng. Kamu ada disana. Singkat, dan emang bukan pertama kalinya. Singkat, terus kamu balik lagi. Singkat, tapi manis. Sampai-sampai aku bikin resolusi, eh bukan, bukan resolusi tapi semacam wish: semoga aku yang terakhir kali ada di pikiranmu di 2012 dan yang pertama kali kamu pikirin di 2013. Cuman itu kok.

Sampai sekarang aku masih penasaran apa emang waktu itu kamu sengaja ngerencanainnya? Entah deh. Mungkin inget aja kamu belum tentu. Keinginan yang waktu itu manis banget, buat sekarang kesannya... ya gitulah. Tapi yaudah sih. Life goes on, kan. Nggak perlu terlalu mikirin yang kemaren-kemaren. Tahun baru juga nggak lebih cuman mesti ngeganti kalender. Nggak ada bedanya juga sama hari biasa. Sehari tetep 24 jam. Kalender tetep mulai dari angka 1 bukan dari 30. See? Sama aja kan?

Oh iya satu lagi. Makasih nggak jadi kiamat, soalnya aku belom nikah.

Farewell, 2012. Thanks for the sweet moments :*


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Selasa, 11 Desember 2012,09.50{ I beg You, God... }

God, i can't sleep. I'm trying to close my eyes but i still can't. This thing keeps creeping out of my mind and i'm just so tired now. God would You please help me to get these matters cleared up? I'm clueless. I don't see any way out. I have to find a thing for limited time which is too difficult for a tiny-fragile-weak-hearted girl like me. I barely know whether i capable to make this up. Oh God... I'm afraid :'( well i know that this's just because of me. It's me who is too careless and unresponsible. It's me, i know. It's because of myself, at all. So now i have to pay all that i have done. Mistakes have to be fixed and paid. This is what i have to pay. It can't be worst. So God, there's no one else i can beg and moan to. God i'm begging You. Show me a way out. 'Cause all this time i've been regretting these things. I felt sorry. Can You please hear this? :'(

...and i still can't sleep tonight.

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Selasa, 27 November 2012,02.05{ }

I understand if you're in the middle of such great sorrow. But all that i can say is just those things. I'm not God, who knows HOW to do everything as well. But the only one who know HOW to help you is just YOURSELF, to stand all of this grief and get your face up. Now the problem is just would or wouldn't you do those things? I'm sure you're grown up enough to understand it. I feel sorry if my words can't make you comfort. Now i'm just gonna shut my mouth up to make you glad, baby. I won't bother asking. Not anymore. Sincerely, Renita :)

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